When things are going well, can't help but take all the blessings in life for granted. I am truly grateful for having a solid roof over my head, unconditionally loving parents, and a faith that is stronger at the end of all this.
January 17, 2013 I received a phone call saying that the unit I work on is "not a good fit," and not to report for work that weekend. What? No notice, no "do this or else we'll let you go," no nothing. And now I'm being fired?!?! I cried harder and longer than I ever have before. Thankfully Jessica came home about 10 minutes later or I would have probably rotted away in my sadness.
That weekend I felt my joy in life ripped out, walking turned into trudging around my apartment, I had a perpetually downcast facial expression, and a cloud was truly hanging over my head. No matter how this had come about, what did I do to deserve this? And how could I move on from here? My resume, references, and cover letters would all have to be redone since I hadn't touched them since after graduation.
January 19: John from the Michigan Nurses Association (union) called me and said there are still things we could ask to make this the best possible situation; he also offered to be present at the meeting the following day with Ellen (my supervisor). I wasn't exactly sure what the union was capable of, or what would be taboo. Does it look bad if I have a union rep present? But I figured it couldn't hurt.
January 20-Ellen affirmed that the unit wasn't a good fit, sometimes it seemed as if I was "spinning" from my coworker's viewpoint, and that I couldn't handle the full patient assignment. There wasn't a straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak, but a generalization. We asked for three things we can from the contract.
- They accept my resignation instead of being terminated
- That I be able to be considered for rehire at the university after one year as a successful RN elsewhere.
- For the option to be considered for a transfer within the University Hospital.
January 21: I got a call later saying #1 and #2 were approved but not #3. John met with my boss's boss (Some Directors of Nursing) and they said they would look into the transfer. It didn't make sense that I shouldn't have the option to stay since I didn't do anything that should be reported or wrong. Though hard since my classmates are all over the U, gossip spreads quickly.
...and...the waiting game began. I looked into other hospitals in the area, updated my job application spreadsheet with current prospects, composed various cover letters for each facility, and started asking for references, though no one really knew me that well yet, so this was a sucky position to be in.
I consulted everyone I knew who could put in a good word for me, as in my Leadership mentor who is the Director of the Operating Rooms, and Dr. Chang, Sara's husband. I also talked to Renee from NCF and Jennifer, a nurse of 30 years and my mentor from Huron Hills to get their input. I hate seeming weak or asking for help, but everyone was really supportive. It was a bit puzzling and my situation didn't seem that common to my nurse friends. This however was my first rodeo so I had absolutely no idea what was to be expected (except what common sense tells me).
During this time I got really bored, depressed, watched a lot of TV, felt unmotivated to work on my projects or crafts. The realization that I didn't have that many friends I was close to, or a real community, kind of dawned on me. I hadn't really been able to get plugged into a small group since going to a consistent one was really difficult due to my evening shifts. Starting to go while I had no life plan at this point would also be semi-shameful when the usual question of what do you do inevitably came up.
January 29: SIX business days later I got news to send my resume/cover letter to another Director who had a "potential opportunity." Yay finally progress!
January 30: Call for an Interview on another unit. Told a few mentors and asked them to pray for this to work out. I had reservations since I interviewed this unit back in July and didn't do so well. But who knows! Three hours later it was cancelled. CANCELLED. My old supervisor then asked if I had time to discuss further their reasonings for letting me go. WTH.
I was led to believe for nearly two weeks that there was in fact not any concrete evidence and it just wasn't a good fit. I had a bad attitude, but my dad just said I should be open and hear what they have to say. It's all a learning opportunity, isn't this what I had wanted the first time around? To know the situations that led them to make this decision changing the trajectory of my life?!
January 31: I was presented with a list of days and situations that consisted of nurses' feedback on what I should improve on or that I did wrong. I gave my side of each story.
I felt like a deer in headlights, grilled and defending bullet point after bullet point. Isn't this a new grad nurse's worst nightmare? My first days on my own without a mentor, I just wanted my patients to be alive and breathing at the end of my shift and not to royally screw up anything!
This whole meeting was to assess my "critical thinking" and I had to defend my thought process. Essentially, they were saying my nurse brain wasn't working and making a case against me. An hour wasn't enough so we rescheduled for after the weekend to finish this up.
After seeing this document in the comfort of my own home, I realized, why were all these situations never brought to my attention? Yes one of them I did something wrong so I let the next nurse know. I haven't made that mistake again. Another I wanted a nurse to double check my patient's bowel prep since I hadn't given it before and was extra cautious to make sure this one was going right because a few days beforehand, I got in report my other patient had been inadequately prepped for her colonoscopy. The nurse's version of what happened and mine were totally different, but management never had asked my side of the story, I guess they just assumed I wasn't thinking.
February 3: Follow up meeting where they said I was indeed was critically thinking and offered me the option to return. Oh-ho!!!! How the tables have turned. I didn't get an apology or anything, but going back on their decision is the closest thing.
Throughout this process, I tried to be respectful, professional, composed, and, probably the most difficult of all, non-confrontational. I felt sad, mad at myself, righteously angry when they changed their story, relief with the end result, and dread to returning and facing my coworkers after all this.
This situation has given me a new sympathy for unfortunate situations I see blown up in the media, in court rooms, and on the evening news. These people's split decisions ave often ruined their life, and on top of that every little detail is picked apart. Despite the circumstances, those on trial must hold their composure at every moment while being scrutinized from every angle. I fortunately had a whopping three people heavily involved throughout all this.. such a blessing in disguise.
A fine line exists between blaming others for mistakes that we often bring onto ourselves. I'm not sure I even know the full story of what transpired here, but God does. I have learned to do everything I possibly can to avoid this from happening again in the future, but it's so difficult to take responsibility for things that I didn't know I was doing "wrong."
The day after I got the dreadful phone call, I saw Frozen with my roommates and really like this song. It spoke to my situation on many different levels and got me through some tough time (along with many other songs :)
