This is ironic- so to speak-considering how I was feeling just a few days prior to this.

The past two days I have had patients that encouraged me so much. When DC said "How do you remember all this stuff to ask me!?! And know the plans for me to go to rehab tomorrow? I give you bits and pieces here and there and you somehow put it all together," I was elated.  Her perplexity was my exact feelings at the beginning of orientation, constantly doubting myself, but this showed that maybe I really am getting the hang of it? 

DK has had had such a hard life with medical problems, could barely walk to the door and back, so many tubes in his body I couldn't even keep them straight-I feel so bad for him and he misses his family so much. Two months of living in the hospital is no fun-at least it's my choice to be there. He kept saying "I don't mean to be a bother" and " Thanks you for your troubles" etc. People like that deserve more of my time, opposed to the needy peculiar people who need each pillow propped and their table just right. 

The sitter for KT (developmentally delayed) commented in how her son had died young of developmental problems, and maybe God gave her a blessing in that, so she was never put in he situation to decide on a nursing facility to care for her loved one. Though no one should have to bury their child, seeing her optimism and God's grace in it all was encouraging.

I love all my patients, I really do, but it's so hard to show it and uplift their spirits.  Learning what each patient needs most-whether words, touch, presence, gentleness.. Is really going to be hard. And executing it could be even harder. I have to assert myself and feel the authority, so to speak, to deliver.

Transitions

No one could have prepared me for this.

Once I barely catch my footing (ie get the hang of Day shift), I'm uprooted-off on another whirlwind of tasks/schedules/priorities (Nights are way different).

I have eight hours to complete a set amount of work; yet working with people can never be a predictable factor in the equation of my day. Yesterday, I hate that I had to deny my patient a walk and bed bath (both of which are super important for healing) because I had an admission from surgery. I had a not so ideal assignment and patients with endless needs; but who am I kidding, these are all excuses for being a horrid prioritizer and multitasker.

It makes me feel terrible, knowing I want to help but just can't. Everyone says time management takes a year to "master" but no one ever told me how disheartening this process could be.

I know I did my best, but it never seems to be enough. It's hard to be content with this experience that mixes humility and insane frustration, all to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

The parallel between my sophomore year clinical is kind of scary. What a rocky start that was as well. What am I supposed to learn from all of this? Why can't I have a smooth transition like I see my classmates having?

This path makes it harder to put up a front for my patients, but I can't hide it from God.

"On hearing this, Jesus said, "it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

Matthew 9:12-13

This awesome verse uses imagery of physical health to convey the message that salvation is for everyone. Humbling to those of us who think we are "healthy" or "saved," however we are all sinners in need. As a nurse-I have to have that same concept of unconditional acceptance for everyone (though effectively doing it the past few weeks has been more difficult that I imagined.)