3.5 out of my 4 patients and their families said I was a good nurse today. I'm so thankful for them, though one was a bit grumpy at times but he smiled here and there for me:)

Baptism

This is one if the ways in which Christ followers can make a physical act to reveal an inward heart change. In accepting His direction and plan for me, I feel it was a pertinent time to seriously think about baptism. After dedicating my college years to Him (through campus ministry, nursing, personal life..) and moving forward into my profession, now more than ever is a time to make a commitment to place Him first in my life.

Here's what I shared.

I've been blessed to be raised in a Christ centered home, but I've struggled, as I'm sure all if us do, with understanding what it really means to trust Him with my life.

I often relied on my own abilities, my own knowledge, or my own desires. I questioned circumstances out of my control. I am broken. But God has shown me that despite my fears and shortcomings, he is always there. In no way have I earned any of the blessings he has graciously given me. He makes me whole, replacing my brokenness with grace and forgiveness, he is always there, and He is indeed in control. 

I'm so happy I have this freedom to publicly declare him as my savior, for he will never leave my side; in response to Jesus' death for my sins, I make my life a living sacrifice. As we say in Michigan football: I'm all in.

On stage with everyone to be baptized! Crazy to be in from of hundreds of people.

My roommate Esther!

Thank to everyone who came out, I felt so loved!

Pastor Bryan and I, we're standing in a warm bathtub 

I had gross wet hair, but I love this picture. And I love my parents!

Well I learned that changing a proline dressing should be sterile, ie everyone in the room has to wear a mask and clean the site with chlorhexidine.

Took my patient for a walk (praise Jesus because before he was winded just from transferring from chair to bed) and he said he wanted to tell me how he really appreciated my care. I was a joy and, if he always had older nurses, it would be boring.

 I forget his exact words because my first reaction is always to immediately dismiss kindness like this. But I know it made me feel nice inside. I'm not great with words but I want to work on how to convey to patients how much they, in turn, are inspiring me. 

One of my favorite patients..He is selfless and humbly asks for things. He is an inspiration to me; hopefully other nurses can also see God's light shining through him. 

And he has a sense of humor, referring to his nipples as raisins.

I hope he gets to leave the hospital and go home for thanksgiving.

I survived my first shift without a mentor Sunday!! I was so happy and felt super blessed that it was the first day of my foreseeable career:)

However, today was entirely different. A patient treated me as less than a person, and I let him. I'm slowly realizing the difference between unconditional love and standing up for the respect I deserve. 

This is ironic- so to speak-considering how I was feeling just a few days prior to this.

The past two days I have had patients that encouraged me so much. When DC said "How do you remember all this stuff to ask me!?! And know the plans for me to go to rehab tomorrow? I give you bits and pieces here and there and you somehow put it all together," I was elated.  Her perplexity was my exact feelings at the beginning of orientation, constantly doubting myself, but this showed that maybe I really am getting the hang of it? 

DK has had had such a hard life with medical problems, could barely walk to the door and back, so many tubes in his body I couldn't even keep them straight-I feel so bad for him and he misses his family so much. Two months of living in the hospital is no fun-at least it's my choice to be there. He kept saying "I don't mean to be a bother" and " Thanks you for your troubles" etc. People like that deserve more of my time, opposed to the needy peculiar people who need each pillow propped and their table just right. 

The sitter for KT (developmentally delayed) commented in how her son had died young of developmental problems, and maybe God gave her a blessing in that, so she was never put in he situation to decide on a nursing facility to care for her loved one. Though no one should have to bury their child, seeing her optimism and God's grace in it all was encouraging.

I love all my patients, I really do, but it's so hard to show it and uplift their spirits.  Learning what each patient needs most-whether words, touch, presence, gentleness.. Is really going to be hard. And executing it could be even harder. I have to assert myself and feel the authority, so to speak, to deliver.

Transitions

No one could have prepared me for this.

Once I barely catch my footing (ie get the hang of Day shift), I'm uprooted-off on another whirlwind of tasks/schedules/priorities (Nights are way different).

I have eight hours to complete a set amount of work; yet working with people can never be a predictable factor in the equation of my day. Yesterday, I hate that I had to deny my patient a walk and bed bath (both of which are super important for healing) because I had an admission from surgery. I had a not so ideal assignment and patients with endless needs; but who am I kidding, these are all excuses for being a horrid prioritizer and multitasker.

It makes me feel terrible, knowing I want to help but just can't. Everyone says time management takes a year to "master" but no one ever told me how disheartening this process could be.

I know I did my best, but it never seems to be enough. It's hard to be content with this experience that mixes humility and insane frustration, all to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

The parallel between my sophomore year clinical is kind of scary. What a rocky start that was as well. What am I supposed to learn from all of this? Why can't I have a smooth transition like I see my classmates having?

This path makes it harder to put up a front for my patients, but I can't hide it from God.

"On hearing this, Jesus said, "it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

Matthew 9:12-13

This awesome verse uses imagery of physical health to convey the message that salvation is for everyone. Humbling to those of us who think we are "healthy" or "saved," however we are all sinners in need. As a nurse-I have to have that same concept of unconditional acceptance for everyone (though effectively doing it the past few weeks has been more difficult that I imagined.)