Well I learned that changing a proline dressing should be sterile, ie everyone in the room has to wear a mask and clean the site with chlorhexidine.

Took my patient for a walk (praise Jesus because before he was winded just from transferring from chair to bed) and he said he wanted to tell me how he really appreciated my care. I was a joy and, if he always had older nurses, it would be boring.

 I forget his exact words because my first reaction is always to immediately dismiss kindness like this. But I know it made me feel nice inside. I'm not great with words but I want to work on how to convey to patients how much they, in turn, are inspiring me. 

One of my favorite patients..He is selfless and humbly asks for things. He is an inspiration to me; hopefully other nurses can also see God's light shining through him. 

And he has a sense of humor, referring to his nipples as raisins.

I hope he gets to leave the hospital and go home for thanksgiving.

I survived my first shift without a mentor Sunday!! I was so happy and felt super blessed that it was the first day of my foreseeable career:)

However, today was entirely different. A patient treated me as less than a person, and I let him. I'm slowly realizing the difference between unconditional love and standing up for the respect I deserve. 

This is ironic- so to speak-considering how I was feeling just a few days prior to this.

The past two days I have had patients that encouraged me so much. When DC said "How do you remember all this stuff to ask me!?! And know the plans for me to go to rehab tomorrow? I give you bits and pieces here and there and you somehow put it all together," I was elated.  Her perplexity was my exact feelings at the beginning of orientation, constantly doubting myself, but this showed that maybe I really am getting the hang of it? 

DK has had had such a hard life with medical problems, could barely walk to the door and back, so many tubes in his body I couldn't even keep them straight-I feel so bad for him and he misses his family so much. Two months of living in the hospital is no fun-at least it's my choice to be there. He kept saying "I don't mean to be a bother" and " Thanks you for your troubles" etc. People like that deserve more of my time, opposed to the needy peculiar people who need each pillow propped and their table just right. 

The sitter for KT (developmentally delayed) commented in how her son had died young of developmental problems, and maybe God gave her a blessing in that, so she was never put in he situation to decide on a nursing facility to care for her loved one. Though no one should have to bury their child, seeing her optimism and God's grace in it all was encouraging.

I love all my patients, I really do, but it's so hard to show it and uplift their spirits.  Learning what each patient needs most-whether words, touch, presence, gentleness.. Is really going to be hard. And executing it could be even harder. I have to assert myself and feel the authority, so to speak, to deliver.

Transitions

No one could have prepared me for this.

Once I barely catch my footing (ie get the hang of Day shift), I'm uprooted-off on another whirlwind of tasks/schedules/priorities (Nights are way different).

I have eight hours to complete a set amount of work; yet working with people can never be a predictable factor in the equation of my day. Yesterday, I hate that I had to deny my patient a walk and bed bath (both of which are super important for healing) because I had an admission from surgery. I had a not so ideal assignment and patients with endless needs; but who am I kidding, these are all excuses for being a horrid prioritizer and multitasker.

It makes me feel terrible, knowing I want to help but just can't. Everyone says time management takes a year to "master" but no one ever told me how disheartening this process could be.

I know I did my best, but it never seems to be enough. It's hard to be content with this experience that mixes humility and insane frustration, all to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

The parallel between my sophomore year clinical is kind of scary. What a rocky start that was as well. What am I supposed to learn from all of this? Why can't I have a smooth transition like I see my classmates having?

This path makes it harder to put up a front for my patients, but I can't hide it from God.

"On hearing this, Jesus said, "it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

Matthew 9:12-13

This awesome verse uses imagery of physical health to convey the message that salvation is for everyone. Humbling to those of us who think we are "healthy" or "saved," however we are all sinners in need. As a nurse-I have to have that same concept of unconditional acceptance for everyone (though effectively doing it the past few weeks has been more difficult that I imagined.)

My Call

I've been following the Urbana '12 stream this past break. I expected this "testimony" portion to be..not so moving..compared to David Platt's piercing sermon and other expositions in Luke so far. However, boy was I in for a surprise..


Thoughts after the video:
The enormity of troubles in third world countries due to lack of access to medical supplies and educated individuals always hits home, as a nurse-to-be, but this video has taken that to another level, near tears. Awareness is one thing, but action is another. I hope to one day have the opportunity and courage to really put into practice the skills and compassion I've learned the past few years. 

In a conversation at CFW '12, Fred Bailey asked if I was going to Urbana...and at the time, I was planning to. There would be many organizations where I don't have to give a year at a time (a concern of mine as a new grad nurse) but I could "tithe" in a way, a month each year...or something to that nature.. I thought to myself..wow that's perfect! I have always thought of doing some missional work with my very applicable, very hands on profession...(not to mention my oh-so-caring heart...haha.. :)

Unfortunately I am not at Urbana..but I feel that this is still a call to..make sure my "yes" isn't a flimsy, wishy-washy thing that could get put on the back burner down the road, to ensure that my heart really IS aligned with his and that the love I can share can be far more than I will ever be able to see with my human eyes.